Saturday, October 22, 2011

naivete and scattered unenlightened thoughts

I've been naive...

So, the "trying to be a scientist" thing still holds true, but it seems like I wanted to break down this return-to-drop-back journey into incremental steps that could easily be overcome. Day 1) practice hang-backs; Day 2) raise the platform and drop back to that; Day 3) lower the platform and drop back to that; Day 4) remove the platform and drop back to the floor. According to my plan, I'll be able to drop back to the floor in 1 week! I seriously think I believed this.
Hint: this is not me.

Hahahahahaha. Foolish girl.

The result of all of this is that it sets up a series of expectations in my mind and I become disappointed in myself if I don't make my "goals" for the night. Obviously it's not that easy. The seasons are changing, and things feel harder and more uncomfortable than during the wonderfully hot and humid days of the summer. I can't see the floor behind me like I used to, or if I do, it's only a sliver... not enough to keep going with confidence. Fear has a really firm grip on me right now. New plan: abandon the rigid goals and just focus on the breath. I'll go as far as I can go, however far that may be. It's not serving me to get caught up in the disappointment of it all. 

There has been some grieving this week and I've been uncharacteristically weepy. The loss and humiliation of drop backs are but a part of it. I think I just feel very much alone in this struggle. My boyfriend asks about these things which seem to affect me so deeply, but his ability to understand is limited. The yoga thing is strange to him. I then met my former fiance, a fellow Ashtangi, for lunch last week (wise idea? I dunno) to try to discuss some of these issues. He responded by offering all sorts of advice on backbends, when I really just wanted him to listen and offer compassion. It seems like the male mind is hardwired to try to fix things, but I don't think that this is something that is "fixable" or, as I'm realizing, maybe it doesn't deserve to be viewed as such. 


Yyogini said...

I used to do that too: set a deadline for when I will accomplish a pose. Never was able to hit the deadlines. I guess the pose comes when the body is ready, not simply if we tried harder and practiced for longer hours. I wonder if this is because we are working with an adult body? Or maybe gymnasts and dancers have no regard for the well being of their bodies? Or perhaps years of foundational hard work allow them to pick up a new routine quickly because these are not brand new movements, just variations of what they have always done?

Don't worry too much about it. The pose will come... Just not by the time line you set that's all.

wandering mb said...

Hi Yyogini,
I don't know what normal is for gymnasts, but things certainly fluctuate for me. It seems as though I've "lost" my backbends somewhere... it's frustrating because I thought I was making such progress throughout the summer. But why the frustration? It's interesting to observe how certain asanas are so bound up in emotion, while others aren't so much.
We will just keep practicing and something will happen, even if in not the way we anticipate.