afraid to admit progress

I was first driven to start up a blog due to some intense drama with drop backs- the crashing, hitting my head, the tears, the anxiety- and I needed a place to pour my feelings into. It seems that my practice has always had these intense trouble spots, especially alternating between Supta K and backbends. It was Bhujapidasana and headstand, initially. I've watched the fluctuations, the little improvements and regressions. If I begin making progress with something, I watch as it's taken away from me. I've had to learn not to get my hopes up. 


There isn't any one asana in my practice right now that stands out as terrifying or dread-inducing. We've brought back the drop backs slowly, and they actually feel decent and without much hesitation on my part. Hip flexibility has always been a struggle, but I'm getting further into Supta K than I ever have before. I'm able to regularly bind both sides of Marichyasana D, a pose that was once impossible. These all should be encouraging signs, right? Practice and all is coming, even if little by little! Yet, I find my practice steeped in pessimism. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall- an injury to occur, whatever- to send me back to where I was a year ago. While it's good not to be attached to one's successes, I don't think this negativity is a good thing, either. I don't want to give into this "what's the point?" attitude that creeps in sometimes. It's good to acknowledge it and understand why it's there, though.


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In other news, I have travel on the brain. I'm leaving this cold behind for Panama tomorrow! Tickets have been purchased for a project in Haiti (early May) and I'm entertaining thoughts on returning to Brazil. My collaborator wrote and said they are looking for funding for additional field work and that it's possible that they could bring me down to help out on their dime. Very tempting… who needs to work on graduating anyway?