Wednesday, November 9, 2011

idle chatter

Given this week's work schedule, I had to take a shorter practice on Monday and "easier" versions of full Primary on Tuesday and Wednesday. This just means that I'm leaving out the faffing with jump back strength-building preps, which take time and energy, and I'm not straining to my limit during the rest. Practicing for efficiency. My sleep schedule has been reasonable, but the nights have been restless. The "just getting by" practices sort of feel like a cop out, but I'm not sure I have much energy for anything else. 

The grant, which is due tomorrow, is running through my veins. It is perhaps the last big opportunity to obtain funding for my dissertation and I have a great deal of work remaining. I'm not sure how I will pay for it if this doesn't go through. The heaviness of the situation is what has me waking up at night. These thoughts spill over into practice. Tonight my mind was all over the place. It felt similar to how runners describe losing themselves during a run: the body is moving, but the sensations just aren't registering because the mind is lost in thought. I went through a handful of postures in this unaware state, only to have my brain catch up to me, "Really? We're doing this now? What side are we even on?" I had no memory of the movements. My focus returned when I got to the physically unpleasant asanas, those that I struggle through. Strange that it takes those unflattering, ungraceful ones for you to find the yoga... the intersection of mind and breath. 

There's always one or two people in a workplace that don't play by the rules and thereby become the focus of dislike and shit talking. Most of the folks in my office get along well, but invariably the conversations turn towards these individuals. I'll admit that said individuals have gotten under my skin as well, namely for squandering finite resources and impacting the rest of us on deadlines and not being forthcoming and/or outright dishonest about shared work. I'll also admit I've been a willing participant in the office venting sessions.

But then...
I ate lunch in an open courtyard today surrounded by other students. The conversation next to me was animated and full of expletives, the tone of which was very negative. They were having a fierce shit talking session of their own. Something about an ex boyfriend and his new relationship, and characterizing the other girl in all sorts of ways. The mood was contagious and I wanted to move my lunch spot to get away from it. Of course it dawned on me that just the day prior, I was dishing out the negativity myself. I was no better. 

We get stuck in our human patterns and it's hard to break out of it. You'd think that the years of yoga would've tempered this part of me, but it's still easy to give into sometimes. Though perhaps it's the yoga that is calling my attention to it.

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